cookout season is upon us.....as everyone is getting ready to attend one of the many cookouts that they will probably go to this summer it is necessary to remember that while you are chomping down your third hotdog of the day that your ass is expanding nicely.... I mean why does all cookout food have to be so unhealthy. Let's take your average potato salad...boiled potatoes (hmm not so bad right), then we add some onions,(still ok) then some people like to add a little bit of egg(still not bad for you) and then at the last second someone thought to themselves how can I make this potato salad become probably the most fattening thing at the party oh wait I know let me get the jar of hellmann's out....Mayonaise!!! that's right folks a heartattack in a jar... at about 23 grams of fat per tablespoon let me just lather up those potatoes baby....so we slather on about half of the jar oh baby....potato salad is ready...
Next let's talk about the grill shall we? Every guy that works the grill at a cookout has a certain sense of authority or manhood if you will...everyone at the cookout looks to him as to when all of those greasy hamburgers will be ready...and he waves around his spatula like a king holding court...hey you want cheese of yours..you got it baby and how about you cutie you want yours well done...no problem... Also it is essential to crame as much dead animal as one can get on the grill at one time....the burgers over lap the chicken which touches the steak tips and o gosh let's not forget the rolled up pig that is stuffed into a thin layer of natural casing? Really natural casing and what exactly is that? nah nevermind I think that I will pass....and when the grill guys states that the burgers are ready...the excitement amongst the party goers is uncontainable...they are pretty much high fiving the grill guy who has retreated from his station with his spatula neatly tucked into his belt....thinking I done good!!!
Let's not forget the one person who brought the fruit salad....YAY for them...only guess what in all of the excitement the host or hostess if you will has forgotten to put it out....so by the time you realize that you could've had some fruit instead of that heaping pile of potato chips it is too late....your face is just waiting to bust out with about 27 pimples due to all of the grease that you have consumed...I mean it's gotta come out somewhere so why not the tip of your nose in the form of the biggest white head pimple that you have ever had the pleasure of meeting...I know gross right!!
O and if you happen to arrive late to the cookout after the grilling has already been done...you are fucked man...and here's why.. because guess what anything that has not been eaten and placed on the platter on a picnic table in the sun...is probably not something that you want to put into your mouth...also considering that at least two flies have probably landed on it and we all know that everytime a fly lands on something it pukes...so yes I want to eat that...ummm no thanks I will pass...
so as you pass the food table at a cookout I implore you....as your friend think about what exactly that you are putting in your mouth...think about how long it has been sitting there and what exactly is in it to begin with....and whether or not on a normal day you would actually eat that or just simply stick it your ass...Happy Cookout Day everybody!!!
Peace to all of the Soldiers....
Monday, May 31, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
OMG MY ASS IS SOAKED!!!
ok so I was in a fantastic mood all day yesterday and BANG...right before I have to go to work something set me off and I was just not myself....I couldn't get it together at work, dropping shit and making the wrong drinks...I guess my mind was elsewhere...that's when i should've known that my night would absolutely go from bad to worse. So I set up the bar for the night and was gingerly going about my business, trying to keep my mind busy....anyway at about 7 pm I decided to go outside for a 10 minute break...employees are required to go out by the back door if they go outside, so off I went. We have a turned over pickle barrel out there that we sit on. So what did I do? Same thing that I do everyday I sat on it, only this time the friggin thing had about three inches of water on it and my ass was instantly soaked!!!My shorts were so saturated with water that when I got up it was actually dripping down my leg. So what do i do I scream at the top of my lungs...WHAT THE FUCK!! and proceed to yell at Steve the cook because for some reason it is definitely his fault... Ok so here I am at work in shorts that visibly look like I pissed myself...well this will work. So I decide to improvise, I went into the ladies room and stuck my ass under the hand dryer, pretty much in a public restroom bent over the hand dryer with my hands on the sink...in any other situation it could be a pretty sexy position, however my ass is soaking wet and I am bent over a hand dryer. And of course a customer has to walk in on this scene...just my luck. The look of sheer confusion on her face was priceless...as I explain to her what happen she is laughing hysterically at my expense....anyway I get the shorts from dripping wet to damp or mosit...Moist maybe the grossest word in the english language due to the fact that anything that is moist has probably been in a dark place festering for awhile...so I go back out because somebody has to pour the drinks right...my ass felt like clothes that you half dry because you are in a hurry and need to wear them. I know you know that feeling we all have done it. Realizing that this won't work out for the night, I called my friend Jess who luckily brought me down a pair of jeans.
So you would think that would be enough...right God had his little joke on me for the night. But wait a minute that would way to easy. It's time for a bar fight between a couple that is old enough to be my parents. A guy sitting at a bar having a few drinks with his 24 year old daughter. in walks the crazy ex girlfriend....I see it coming they proceed to have a screaming match in the bar in which I tell them to take it outside. So I again go out by the back door to make sure that it doesn't escalate because they have a history of violence toward each other. As i apporoach the door and peek out, I see the chick get in full karate kid crane kick mode and boot the guy in the ass so hard that he goes flying forward into the woods behind the bar. So what does he do, he takes the upper road and does nothing um NOT...he turns around and boots her right back, she decides that she is going to now key his car with her work keys because the keys are bigger than normal. He rips the keys out of her hands and whips them into the woods. Great, smart are you fucking kidding me...so mean while I am screaming at both of them telling them to cut the shit...I send her in the bar and tell him to find the keys. Apparently I am a mother figure because they listening and for the next 20 minutes I am outside looking for key in the woods with this fucking sicko cursing under his breath how he can't stand her...FML Now it's getting dark and no keys...she is freaking out again and he is just being a dick...so I kicked them both out, no keys and guess what no FRIGGIN TIP...Really?
I could go in to how later in the night a customer comes in and says is it normal to dump a dead cat across the street in front of the vet hospital and cover it's head with a blue towel...and I am thinking to myself I really don't know maybe it is? Maybe it is and I am the one who isn't normal...so I call the cops and at 10:00 and guess what at 1:15 the cat was still there..apparently dead house pets do not take precedence in Salem...anyway I am hoping for a better day today but it is a full moon Friday and that is just not GOOD in the bar business....
Happy Memorial Day Peeps...PEACE OUT....
So you would think that would be enough...right God had his little joke on me for the night. But wait a minute that would way to easy. It's time for a bar fight between a couple that is old enough to be my parents. A guy sitting at a bar having a few drinks with his 24 year old daughter. in walks the crazy ex girlfriend....I see it coming they proceed to have a screaming match in the bar in which I tell them to take it outside. So I again go out by the back door to make sure that it doesn't escalate because they have a history of violence toward each other. As i apporoach the door and peek out, I see the chick get in full karate kid crane kick mode and boot the guy in the ass so hard that he goes flying forward into the woods behind the bar. So what does he do, he takes the upper road and does nothing um NOT...he turns around and boots her right back, she decides that she is going to now key his car with her work keys because the keys are bigger than normal. He rips the keys out of her hands and whips them into the woods. Great, smart are you fucking kidding me...so mean while I am screaming at both of them telling them to cut the shit...I send her in the bar and tell him to find the keys. Apparently I am a mother figure because they listening and for the next 20 minutes I am outside looking for key in the woods with this fucking sicko cursing under his breath how he can't stand her...FML Now it's getting dark and no keys...she is freaking out again and he is just being a dick...so I kicked them both out, no keys and guess what no FRIGGIN TIP...Really?
I could go in to how later in the night a customer comes in and says is it normal to dump a dead cat across the street in front of the vet hospital and cover it's head with a blue towel...and I am thinking to myself I really don't know maybe it is? Maybe it is and I am the one who isn't normal...so I call the cops and at 10:00 and guess what at 1:15 the cat was still there..apparently dead house pets do not take precedence in Salem...anyway I am hoping for a better day today but it is a full moon Friday and that is just not GOOD in the bar business....
Happy Memorial Day Peeps...PEACE OUT....
Sunday, May 23, 2010
age is just a number...MY ASS IT IS!!!
So I went to a friends 40th birthday party recently....everyone was saying Happy Birthday to him and how good he looks and blah! blah! blah! Now don't get me wrong the guy does not look old....but it got me to thinking what the hell does 40 look like anyway? I have heard people say that 40 is the new 20, well what the fuck does that mean? Does that mean that when I turn 40 I can just tell people that I am 20 and they will totally believe me? Ummm probably not!!! With my impending 40th a few months down the road, I have taken sometime to take stock in my appearance, and the appearance of people who are my age..and guess what none of us look 20...sorry!!! So that whole line is simply a crock of shit made up by some 40 year old chick who was trying to make herself feel good about her age...
And 40 is middle age...are you friggin kidding me? I am middle aged well when the hell did that happen anyway... and once I turn 40 what the hell do I have to look forward dying? Really having grandkids? no offence but I don't really even like kids why would I want to take care of my kids kids? Oh wait because that's what old people do...
I love when people come into the bar where I work and you are having a conversation with them and they suddenly say how old are you? Well screw you to....why do you need to know my age? Do i ask you what friggin color underwear you have one? So I tell them that I am 39 and they proceed to say OMG you don't look 39 at all...I thought that you were like 25....I mean c'mon who the hell do you think that you are kidding? I don't look 39 to you because you are probably in you 20's and you are still an idiot...or maybe you just said what everyone says wow you look great for your age or wow you don't look your age?
You know what cracks me up to...is when people say I have laugh lines...no you friggin don't you have WRINKLES....Laugh lines really beacause you laughed so much in your 40 years on the planet that you creased you face....what did someone tap you on the back and your face froze like that....ha ha dumbass you have wrinkles...or the chicks that go out and get a boob lift? boob life really why? so that they can stand at attention for all of the sex that you will having in your 60's? now granted if I could get a tummy tuck without the pain then I might consider it....and what about the flabby skin under you upper arm...that just sucks!!! I mean what the hell is that anyway? It's the skin that when you have your arm in the car window and are feeling pretty good about yourself and all of a sudden you catch a glimpse of the friggin thing flapping backforth in the wind like a fucking kite and then you realize holy shit that's my arm...that's why old chicks don't dance with their arms over their heads anymore and they keep them down by their sides bent at the elbow...arm fat is just friggin gross man!!!
Well at least I can smile knowing that any age that I turn my cousin will turn first...so I can take great pleasure in torturing her for a whole year before my birthday comes....
peace baby....
And 40 is middle age...are you friggin kidding me? I am middle aged well when the hell did that happen anyway... and once I turn 40 what the hell do I have to look forward dying? Really having grandkids? no offence but I don't really even like kids why would I want to take care of my kids kids? Oh wait because that's what old people do...
I love when people come into the bar where I work and you are having a conversation with them and they suddenly say how old are you? Well screw you to....why do you need to know my age? Do i ask you what friggin color underwear you have one? So I tell them that I am 39 and they proceed to say OMG you don't look 39 at all...I thought that you were like 25....I mean c'mon who the hell do you think that you are kidding? I don't look 39 to you because you are probably in you 20's and you are still an idiot...or maybe you just said what everyone says wow you look great for your age or wow you don't look your age?
You know what cracks me up to...is when people say I have laugh lines...no you friggin don't you have WRINKLES....Laugh lines really beacause you laughed so much in your 40 years on the planet that you creased you face....what did someone tap you on the back and your face froze like that....ha ha dumbass you have wrinkles...or the chicks that go out and get a boob lift? boob life really why? so that they can stand at attention for all of the sex that you will having in your 60's? now granted if I could get a tummy tuck without the pain then I might consider it....and what about the flabby skin under you upper arm...that just sucks!!! I mean what the hell is that anyway? It's the skin that when you have your arm in the car window and are feeling pretty good about yourself and all of a sudden you catch a glimpse of the friggin thing flapping backforth in the wind like a fucking kite and then you realize holy shit that's my arm...that's why old chicks don't dance with their arms over their heads anymore and they keep them down by their sides bent at the elbow...arm fat is just friggin gross man!!!
Well at least I can smile knowing that any age that I turn my cousin will turn first...so I can take great pleasure in torturing her for a whole year before my birthday comes....
peace baby....
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Have you ever just really been in the mood for an ice coffee...well I am usually all of the time. Today I was dying to have a really cold french vanilla iced coffee with skim milk...not rocket science right? or so you would have thought....I drive up to Dunkin Donuts I wasn't able to go to the one that I normally do so I went to a different dunks. But hey the name is the same therefore the coffee should be the same also...not true!!! This coffee tasted like dog shit....the ice was nearly nil and the coffee itself must've been sitting there since they opened at 5 am...o yeah skim milk apparently means dump as much light cream as you can in it so it looks like regular milk instead of coffee...
I have worked in restaurants my whole life, I know pretty pathetic however the first rule of thumb is consistency....same product every time you go there...I am not a food critic or coffee critic, but if you write Dunkin Donuts on your sign shouldn't you sell the same caliber of coffee as every other Dunkin Donuts...I can't stand it!! It's coffee that's your specialty how can you mess this up...next thing you know the donuts will be baked instead of fried...WTF!! And what's the deal with the whole syrup thing instead of brewing the actual coffee....you are a coffee place brew your shit!!! Don't splash some artificial shit into my coffee and call that french vanilla...dammit if I want a slush puppy I will go to a friggin 7 -11 and squirt the shit into my own cup...
How is this hard they don't even have to grind the damn beans all they have to do is put it into the filter and throw it in and push a button...get it right!!! So needless to say I didn't drink the coffee I threw it out and wasted 2 bucks...I am not happy about this!!!
I may have to jump ship to Starbucks, however they have a whole set of rules for ordering and if you don't get them right than you are a complete and total idiot! Everyone behind the counter looks at you like awe man a newbie this could take awhile for them to order. They are in total disgust because you can't figure out that a grande isn't a large and WTF is a latte double skinny go fuck yourself coffee....I hate Starbucks. And if you don't order right the first time everyone in line behind you let out this giant sigh like omg hurry up...Forget it...I will brew the shit myself and stick it in the refrigerator....less aggravation!!!
PEACE OUT CUB SCOUTS!!!
I have worked in restaurants my whole life, I know pretty pathetic however the first rule of thumb is consistency....same product every time you go there...I am not a food critic or coffee critic, but if you write Dunkin Donuts on your sign shouldn't you sell the same caliber of coffee as every other Dunkin Donuts...I can't stand it!! It's coffee that's your specialty how can you mess this up...next thing you know the donuts will be baked instead of fried...WTF!! And what's the deal with the whole syrup thing instead of brewing the actual coffee....you are a coffee place brew your shit!!! Don't splash some artificial shit into my coffee and call that french vanilla...dammit if I want a slush puppy I will go to a friggin 7 -11 and squirt the shit into my own cup...
How is this hard they don't even have to grind the damn beans all they have to do is put it into the filter and throw it in and push a button...get it right!!! So needless to say I didn't drink the coffee I threw it out and wasted 2 bucks...I am not happy about this!!!
I may have to jump ship to Starbucks, however they have a whole set of rules for ordering and if you don't get them right than you are a complete and total idiot! Everyone behind the counter looks at you like awe man a newbie this could take awhile for them to order. They are in total disgust because you can't figure out that a grande isn't a large and WTF is a latte double skinny go fuck yourself coffee....I hate Starbucks. And if you don't order right the first time everyone in line behind you let out this giant sigh like omg hurry up...Forget it...I will brew the shit myself and stick it in the refrigerator....less aggravation!!!
PEACE OUT CUB SCOUTS!!!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
the worst mood ever.....
ok so did you ever wake up in the morning just friggin angry.....the alarm goes off and you get up and want to scream at the top of your lungs WTF!!! Everyone in the house walks around on egg shells and this pisses you off even more....like what's wrong with them why aren't they just acting normal....o wait i know why because I am ready to rip someone's head off for no apparent reason. And you wait for that one thing that will really set you off, you know throw you over the edge...and then it happens. The smallest little unimportant thing like where is my slipper or my daughters pair of jeans that she has to wear with that shirt...or god forbid you run out of milk or cream...then in your head it just becomes the end of the world. I hate these days. The mood stays with you no matter what you do. and unless you either get drunk or just sit in a room without anyone speaking to you so you can just be angry alone nothing will help you get out of the mood.
These are the days when my inability to simply drop an issue becomes next to impossible, I find that one thing that will put my husband into just as bad a mood as I am in and continue to harp on it until his mood sucks too. I know very unfair and not so nice but when these moods hit it's every man for himself. So as he walks around grumping under his breath you yell something like I can hear what your saying...which prompts him to respond with I don't care....yup great mornings...
So while everyone is looking at you waiting for your head to do a 360 and your eyes to roll into the back of your head...you realize that you are being irrational and wait a minute why are you mad at them. O I know because they had the nerve to wake up in a good mood and gosh o jolly ready to face the day....Screw that give me a captain and coke and get the hell out of my way or I may just kill you...LOL
OK so i know what you are saying...the men are saying wow I've never had one of those days and the women are saying thank god it's not just me who has those days...So what to do...eat a pound of chocolate and say screw it, but o wait a minute if I eat that tiny little square of chocolate I will gain 250 pounds all in my ass....it's a no win situation....
So you think well my mood will definitely change by the time I get to work , but then you realize it's wing night...FML....
Peace....
These are the days when my inability to simply drop an issue becomes next to impossible, I find that one thing that will put my husband into just as bad a mood as I am in and continue to harp on it until his mood sucks too. I know very unfair and not so nice but when these moods hit it's every man for himself. So as he walks around grumping under his breath you yell something like I can hear what your saying...which prompts him to respond with I don't care....yup great mornings...
So while everyone is looking at you waiting for your head to do a 360 and your eyes to roll into the back of your head...you realize that you are being irrational and wait a minute why are you mad at them. O I know because they had the nerve to wake up in a good mood and gosh o jolly ready to face the day....Screw that give me a captain and coke and get the hell out of my way or I may just kill you...LOL
OK so i know what you are saying...the men are saying wow I've never had one of those days and the women are saying thank god it's not just me who has those days...So what to do...eat a pound of chocolate and say screw it, but o wait a minute if I eat that tiny little square of chocolate I will gain 250 pounds all in my ass....it's a no win situation....
So you think well my mood will definitely change by the time I get to work , but then you realize it's wing night...FML....
Peace....
Friday, May 14, 2010
ignorance is bliss......
Ok so I ask you what the hell is wrong with people. So when you order a drink at a bar at midnight when clearly you have been drinking all night then you proceed to complain that there is not enough alcohol in the drink than I think you have a problem. Some midlife chick walks in last night with her gross boyfriend and got a stoli seabreeze and for those of you who know me know that I don't pour a crappy drink. So she gets the drink and looks up at me all disgusted and says um can you put more alcohol in this....I can't taste a thing. O what minute yes of course I can let me go get the bottle...I can't wait to give you more alcohol because you are not a big enough dumbass yet...Really you fucknut you can't taste the alcohol...maybe because you are an idiot and are trying to get drunk so you don't have to look at the ugly thing you are going home with....NO I CAN NOT PUT MORE ALCOHOL IN YOUR DRINK...Let me tell you this if want to get shitfaced go to the liquor store and buy a bottle of whatever take it home and drink the whole thing...if you want to hangout socially and have a few drinks with friends than come to a bar. People really piss me off.
Secondly if you go to a bar for last call with your friends and you are not 21, DO NOT ASK THE BARTENDER TO MAKE YOU A VIRGIN FROZEN PINA COLADA....Yes I want to make you a virgin frozen drink at last call when I have a bar full of people who want legit drinks. Because you are going to leave me a huge tip on your virgin drink...use the one brain cell that you have left and get a coke until you are 21....no bartender wants to wait on you right now!!!
Then there is the guy who has been there drinking all night and right before he leaves he asks for a shot....o yes let me give you a shot so that you can leave and get into your car and drive away and O wait KILL SOMEBODY OR YOURSELF....idiot and then yes please get mad at me because i won't contribute your stupidness...let's not forget about the people who stroll in at 12:15 and ask um is the kitchen still open? Well hell yeah it's open order up baby....in fact take your time with the menu and let's not put the order in until 12:25....I love it...o and order a pizza that takes about 20 minutes to make and then get mad at me because I have to pick up your drinks at 12:45...really you just decided that you were hungry at 12:15 am, the thought never crossed your mind before that? Maybe your fat ass shouldn't be eating so late at night.....UGH!!!
I love people they are a joy......PEACE MAN!!!!
Secondly if you go to a bar for last call with your friends and you are not 21, DO NOT ASK THE BARTENDER TO MAKE YOU A VIRGIN FROZEN PINA COLADA....Yes I want to make you a virgin frozen drink at last call when I have a bar full of people who want legit drinks. Because you are going to leave me a huge tip on your virgin drink...use the one brain cell that you have left and get a coke until you are 21....no bartender wants to wait on you right now!!!
Then there is the guy who has been there drinking all night and right before he leaves he asks for a shot....o yes let me give you a shot so that you can leave and get into your car and drive away and O wait KILL SOMEBODY OR YOURSELF....idiot and then yes please get mad at me because i won't contribute your stupidness...let's not forget about the people who stroll in at 12:15 and ask um is the kitchen still open? Well hell yeah it's open order up baby....in fact take your time with the menu and let's not put the order in until 12:25....I love it...o and order a pizza that takes about 20 minutes to make and then get mad at me because I have to pick up your drinks at 12:45...really you just decided that you were hungry at 12:15 am, the thought never crossed your mind before that? Maybe your fat ass shouldn't be eating so late at night.....UGH!!!
I love people they are a joy......PEACE MAN!!!!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
WHAT DID YOU SAY!!!!
Let me ask you this...why is it that when you get older you feel the sudden urge to yell instead of talk. I don't get it...are you going deaf, were you never heard as child, or are you just not able to control the sound of your own voice from making the other people's ears around you bleed.....
I had an awesome Mother's Day probably one of the best since I have had my kids, but I did notice that my family can not hold their alcohol. I made a pitcher of Sangria and I proceeded to pour 4 and a half glasses: one for me, one for my husbands aunt, one for my mother in law, one for my husband's 88 year old grandmother and a half a glass for my mother. A half glass because if my mother drinks more than a half a glass of anything that contains any type of alcohol she will pass out and fall on the ground drunk as a skunk.
So my mother in law drank her glass and proceeded to talk on decimal 10, which was kinda funny because she talks loud to begin with. My mother never said another word after her glass of sangria because I am convinced that she was drunk, and Scott's Aunt gave up on me after one and half glasses which is fairly disappointing considering she is usually the one who can keep up with me. So after all was said and done it was my husband's 88 year old grandmother who kept up with me and she had another glass of wine with her dinner....go Nana...
Speaking of Scott's grandmother she is awesome...not too many people that I can say about. The first time that I had her over my house for Christmas dinner, she pulled me aside and said everything looks beautiful dear except for that giant cobweb hanging from your ceiling. That was the day that I knew we had a lot in common....she packs no punches and takes no crap...love her!!! So she started to loose her hearing a few years back and she has a hearing aid, now I can sit next to her at dinner and talk to her in a normal voice and she can hear every word that I say and she responds in a normal voice...here's the funny part everyone else feels the need to yell at her whatever it is that they want her to hear...and I think that it pisses her off and she messes with them and just doesn't answer them....her response would be what did you say dear...it cracks me up. I think that maybe she turns done her hearing aids at times because she couldn't care less what the hell everyone is bitching about. I mean she is 88 years old, she doesn't give a shit what you are going to get paid from social security when you are 63, she's got her share so she says o wait boring conversation I am not wasting my battery in my hearing aid for this crap....and she turns that damn thing off lol I know she does it!!! and I love it!!!
Now my father in law who can usually drink anyone under the table, has been a total disappointment. This man could easily start drinking a beer at 11 in the morning and continue to drink until 11 at night back in the day and not even catch a buzz...many a man has bowed to the power of Dickie...At the past few family events he has shown cracks in his armor. It is humorous to watch though because when my father in law gets drunk he can not stop himself from spewing out dumb jokes that only he laughs at. and my mother in law gets instantly aggravated with him..so what do I do...let me tell you I give him as much shit as possible because that makes me laugh. And he gets in trouble...LMAO!!!
Anyway as I sit here typing I can hear them bickering in the other room about how my father in laws contact is bothering him and my mother in law is yelling at him repeatedly to just throw it away....lol ha ha ha maybe they are both still drunk...lmao In which case I gotta go and cause some trouble....
Night all...PEACE OUT!!!
I had an awesome Mother's Day probably one of the best since I have had my kids, but I did notice that my family can not hold their alcohol. I made a pitcher of Sangria and I proceeded to pour 4 and a half glasses: one for me, one for my husbands aunt, one for my mother in law, one for my husband's 88 year old grandmother and a half a glass for my mother. A half glass because if my mother drinks more than a half a glass of anything that contains any type of alcohol she will pass out and fall on the ground drunk as a skunk.
So my mother in law drank her glass and proceeded to talk on decimal 10, which was kinda funny because she talks loud to begin with. My mother never said another word after her glass of sangria because I am convinced that she was drunk, and Scott's Aunt gave up on me after one and half glasses which is fairly disappointing considering she is usually the one who can keep up with me. So after all was said and done it was my husband's 88 year old grandmother who kept up with me and she had another glass of wine with her dinner....go Nana...
Speaking of Scott's grandmother she is awesome...not too many people that I can say about. The first time that I had her over my house for Christmas dinner, she pulled me aside and said everything looks beautiful dear except for that giant cobweb hanging from your ceiling. That was the day that I knew we had a lot in common....she packs no punches and takes no crap...love her!!! So she started to loose her hearing a few years back and she has a hearing aid, now I can sit next to her at dinner and talk to her in a normal voice and she can hear every word that I say and she responds in a normal voice...here's the funny part everyone else feels the need to yell at her whatever it is that they want her to hear...and I think that it pisses her off and she messes with them and just doesn't answer them....her response would be what did you say dear...it cracks me up. I think that maybe she turns done her hearing aids at times because she couldn't care less what the hell everyone is bitching about. I mean she is 88 years old, she doesn't give a shit what you are going to get paid from social security when you are 63, she's got her share so she says o wait boring conversation I am not wasting my battery in my hearing aid for this crap....and she turns that damn thing off lol I know she does it!!! and I love it!!!
Now my father in law who can usually drink anyone under the table, has been a total disappointment. This man could easily start drinking a beer at 11 in the morning and continue to drink until 11 at night back in the day and not even catch a buzz...many a man has bowed to the power of Dickie...At the past few family events he has shown cracks in his armor. It is humorous to watch though because when my father in law gets drunk he can not stop himself from spewing out dumb jokes that only he laughs at. and my mother in law gets instantly aggravated with him..so what do I do...let me tell you I give him as much shit as possible because that makes me laugh. And he gets in trouble...LMAO!!!
Anyway as I sit here typing I can hear them bickering in the other room about how my father in laws contact is bothering him and my mother in law is yelling at him repeatedly to just throw it away....lol ha ha ha maybe they are both still drunk...lmao In which case I gotta go and cause some trouble....
Night all...PEACE OUT!!!
Friday, May 7, 2010
those damn Peanuts....get me everytime!!!
So I just recently figured out a few things....Number one, I am not getting wiser as I age, I am just getting older. Number two, I am never going to be 5'3" no matter how many times I lie about it on my license and number three, I never want to relive the fashion styles of the 80's.... who does dammit I mean really I understand that things go out of style and a few decades later they come back into style again. They are a little changed, but it's basically the same concept. But for those of us who lived through the 80's, we know that there was nothing worse than aqua-netted big hair, neon bum sweatshirts and bandanas with concert pins around our necks and the Punky Brewster socks.... and for those of you who don't know what the Punky Brewster socks are let me enlightened you. You take as many pair of socks all different colors and you stuff your jeans into them and layer the socks up your legs so that every color is visible. Great idea the only problem is that you are now wearing 16 pairs of socks on each foot and your shoes don't fit...so you jam your foot into your shoe and walk around like lurch leaning forward to gain balance so you don't fall over....the outcome is that your have toes that look like mine and somewhere down the line probably bunyans...
Now the people of the 80's recognized that this was a problem...so what did they do they created the leg warmer....wow what a concept you can wear the layered look without cutting off circulation to your lower extremities....and also your legs are so tightly wrapped that you are working towards preventing varcous veins in the future....problem solved right....
Let's talk about the parachute pants for a second....now we were smart enough in the 80's to know where our waistline was...we didn't wear our pants down around our knees...I mean how do those even stay up anyway? However these pants had about 37 zippers that didn't have pockets attached to them...and if you unzipped some of the zippers you were cooler than most....as I go out shopping and I look around the malls I realize that some of these things are coming back....well I am taking a stand I refuse to do it again....we had skinny jeans before....my decade originated them by using the tight roll....
Totally different subject I just recently figured out the whole peanuts, snoopy thing. I must've had to grow up to get it....I remember as a kid watching the show and thinking to myself I wonder what the hell that teacher is saying.....but I get it now!! I couldn't figure out what she said because I was kid. Kids are like husbands they hear what they want to hear and the rest is simply.....blah ma ma am ma.....blah....they don't care what the words are they just yeah you to DEATH!!! I could be yelling directly into my kids face and after I was finished they would say ummm what did you say??? I get it now..Charles Shlutz you are a genius!!
Charlie Brown you are never going to kick that football....I am Lucy and the reason being is this. Because no matter how many times you try to kick that football I will always pull it out from underneath you because to me it's funny....and that's the game of life. Charlie Brown lives in all of us...every time we think that their could be something positive about to happen in rushes Lucy to pull the football away and we fall flat on our backs...but like Charlie Brown we get right back up and try again....
PEACE......
Now the people of the 80's recognized that this was a problem...so what did they do they created the leg warmer....wow what a concept you can wear the layered look without cutting off circulation to your lower extremities....and also your legs are so tightly wrapped that you are working towards preventing varcous veins in the future....problem solved right....
Let's talk about the parachute pants for a second....now we were smart enough in the 80's to know where our waistline was...we didn't wear our pants down around our knees...I mean how do those even stay up anyway? However these pants had about 37 zippers that didn't have pockets attached to them...and if you unzipped some of the zippers you were cooler than most....as I go out shopping and I look around the malls I realize that some of these things are coming back....well I am taking a stand I refuse to do it again....we had skinny jeans before....my decade originated them by using the tight roll....
Totally different subject I just recently figured out the whole peanuts, snoopy thing. I must've had to grow up to get it....I remember as a kid watching the show and thinking to myself I wonder what the hell that teacher is saying.....but I get it now!! I couldn't figure out what she said because I was kid. Kids are like husbands they hear what they want to hear and the rest is simply.....blah ma ma am ma.....blah....they don't care what the words are they just yeah you to DEATH!!! I could be yelling directly into my kids face and after I was finished they would say ummm what did you say??? I get it now..Charles Shlutz you are a genius!!
Charlie Brown you are never going to kick that football....I am Lucy and the reason being is this. Because no matter how many times you try to kick that football I will always pull it out from underneath you because to me it's funny....and that's the game of life. Charlie Brown lives in all of us...every time we think that their could be something positive about to happen in rushes Lucy to pull the football away and we fall flat on our backs...but like Charlie Brown we get right back up and try again....
PEACE......
Monday, May 3, 2010
OUCH...I think I broke my toe.....
Well....well...well.... here we go again...
So my Saturday was spent rushing from one sporting event to another for my kids....(9:30 softball 10:30 soccer 12:30 soccer and then 2:30 T ball....)It started out at 9:30 in the morning with a softball game for my 9 year old daughter that I am the assistant coach for. There are about 15 girls on the team and we had our first game on Saturday...I was surprised that the girls actually paid attention at the prior practices and looked like they knew what they were doing. It's always a crap shoot because I can never really tell if they are paying attention or just staring blankly at me secretly wishing that I would shut up....
It is so funny to try and teach a little girl how to hold a bat properly.....you try put them in the proper position and they instantly become stiff as a board and you can not bend them into a type of position....they swing at pretty much every pitch even if it is ten feet over their head or rolling on the ground it is too funny....
Speaking of funny my son had his first t ball game on Saturday also. These kids are hysterical!!! It was so funny because the kids would hit the ball off of the t and run to base if they actually could figure out where the base was...and then those same kids that were on base would also try and play the infield when the next ball was hit and they would get off of base and try to field the ball and it would end up as a giant pig pile on the mound...
After a long day of games I went out for a few drinks as they were very much needed at that point....and everything was going well UNTIL......DA DA DUH!!!
I decided to do yard work on Sunday...I was planting flowers in my flip flops....as I was finishing up the walkway and was walking back up the front stairs I stubbed my baby toe...OMG!!!! the worst pain ever...and my mom is yelling at me because I am swearing....telling me not to say those words as they are not very lady like....really mom I love you and all but SHUT UP I am in pain!!! My toe instantly became purple and is now broken...I never realized how essential your baby toe is for walking...I just thought in my case that it was part of my Fred Flintstone feet....the short little stub at the end of the other four short little stubs...well guess what I was wrong... My toe hurts so friggin bad I don't know how I am going to put a sneaker on for work tonight....it is purple and swollen so now it actually looks like I have a sausage at the end of my foot. I asked my husband to get me an ice pack to put on it. Because as you know he has been home with a broken leg and I have been gently putting ice on his leg and wrapping it nicely with an ace bandage careful not hurt him...he comes outside with the ice pack and proceeds to jam it in between my toes...OMG OUCH WTF!!!! Then laughs and says o sorry I didn't know that would hurt...ok Sherlock you're right why would it hurt when you slam ice between my toes shifting my baby toe that is already broken into another ungodly position...ummm thanks for the ice???
Needless to say I iced my toe only to bang it later on that night when I was hobbling along....REALLY???? it's an effing toe, I couldn't have broken something more essential that I would at least generate some sympathy for....LOL Although on second thought do I really want Attilla the Hun taking care of me if that happen....ha ha ha Here's your Ice JAM JAM JAM.....and my friends are so reassuring saying well I broke my toe and it took forever to heal....I mean FOREVER to heal....ok I get it shut up....anyway it is what it is...my poor little baby toe...
Peace...love and Toes.....
So my Saturday was spent rushing from one sporting event to another for my kids....(9:30 softball 10:30 soccer 12:30 soccer and then 2:30 T ball....)It started out at 9:30 in the morning with a softball game for my 9 year old daughter that I am the assistant coach for. There are about 15 girls on the team and we had our first game on Saturday...I was surprised that the girls actually paid attention at the prior practices and looked like they knew what they were doing. It's always a crap shoot because I can never really tell if they are paying attention or just staring blankly at me secretly wishing that I would shut up....
It is so funny to try and teach a little girl how to hold a bat properly.....you try put them in the proper position and they instantly become stiff as a board and you can not bend them into a type of position....they swing at pretty much every pitch even if it is ten feet over their head or rolling on the ground it is too funny....
Speaking of funny my son had his first t ball game on Saturday also. These kids are hysterical!!! It was so funny because the kids would hit the ball off of the t and run to base if they actually could figure out where the base was...and then those same kids that were on base would also try and play the infield when the next ball was hit and they would get off of base and try to field the ball and it would end up as a giant pig pile on the mound...
After a long day of games I went out for a few drinks as they were very much needed at that point....and everything was going well UNTIL......DA DA DUH!!!
I decided to do yard work on Sunday...I was planting flowers in my flip flops....as I was finishing up the walkway and was walking back up the front stairs I stubbed my baby toe...OMG!!!! the worst pain ever...and my mom is yelling at me because I am swearing....telling me not to say those words as they are not very lady like....really mom I love you and all but SHUT UP I am in pain!!! My toe instantly became purple and is now broken...I never realized how essential your baby toe is for walking...I just thought in my case that it was part of my Fred Flintstone feet....the short little stub at the end of the other four short little stubs...well guess what I was wrong... My toe hurts so friggin bad I don't know how I am going to put a sneaker on for work tonight....it is purple and swollen so now it actually looks like I have a sausage at the end of my foot. I asked my husband to get me an ice pack to put on it. Because as you know he has been home with a broken leg and I have been gently putting ice on his leg and wrapping it nicely with an ace bandage careful not hurt him...he comes outside with the ice pack and proceeds to jam it in between my toes...OMG OUCH WTF!!!! Then laughs and says o sorry I didn't know that would hurt...ok Sherlock you're right why would it hurt when you slam ice between my toes shifting my baby toe that is already broken into another ungodly position...ummm thanks for the ice???
Needless to say I iced my toe only to bang it later on that night when I was hobbling along....REALLY???? it's an effing toe, I couldn't have broken something more essential that I would at least generate some sympathy for....LOL Although on second thought do I really want Attilla the Hun taking care of me if that happen....ha ha ha Here's your Ice JAM JAM JAM.....and my friends are so reassuring saying well I broke my toe and it took forever to heal....I mean FOREVER to heal....ok I get it shut up....anyway it is what it is...my poor little baby toe...
Peace...love and Toes.....
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