I got my toes in the water....ass in the sand...not a worry in the world...a cold beer in my hand...life is good today...life is good today...

Friday, May 28, 2010

OMG MY ASS IS SOAKED!!!

ok so I was in a fantastic mood all day yesterday and BANG...right before I have to go to work something set me off and I was just not myself....I couldn't get it together at work, dropping shit and making the wrong drinks...I guess my mind was elsewhere...that's when i should've known that my night would absolutely go from bad to worse. So I set up the bar for the night and was gingerly going about my business, trying to keep my mind busy....anyway at about 7 pm I decided to go outside for a 10 minute break...employees are required to go out by the back door if they go outside, so off I went. We have a turned over pickle barrel out there that we sit on. So what did I do? Same thing that I do everyday I sat on it, only this time the friggin thing had about three inches of water on it and my ass was instantly soaked!!!My shorts were so saturated with water that when I got up it was actually dripping down my leg. So what do i do I scream at the top of my lungs...WHAT THE FUCK!! and proceed to yell at Steve the cook because for some reason it is definitely his fault... Ok so here I am at work in shorts that visibly look like I pissed myself...well this will work. So I decide to improvise, I went into the ladies room and stuck my ass under the hand dryer, pretty much in a public restroom bent over the hand dryer with my hands on the sink...in any other situation it could be a pretty sexy position, however my ass is soaking wet and I am bent over a hand dryer. And of course a customer has to walk in on this scene...just my luck. The look of sheer confusion on her face was priceless...as I explain to her what happen she is laughing hysterically at my expense....anyway I get the shorts from dripping wet to damp or mosit...Moist maybe the grossest word in the english language due to the fact that anything that is moist has probably been in a dark place festering for awhile...so I go back out because somebody has to pour the drinks right...my ass felt like clothes that you half dry because you are in a hurry and need to wear them. I know you know that feeling we all have done it. Realizing that this won't work out for the night, I called my friend Jess who luckily brought me down a pair of jeans.
So you would think that would be enough...right God had his little joke on me for the night. But wait a minute that would way to easy. It's time for a bar fight between a couple that is old enough to be my parents. A guy sitting at a bar having a few drinks with his 24 year old daughter. in walks the crazy ex girlfriend....I see it coming they proceed to have a screaming match in the bar in which I tell them to take it outside. So I again go out by the back door to make sure that it doesn't escalate because they have a history of violence toward each other. As i apporoach the door and peek out, I see the chick get in full karate kid crane kick mode and boot the guy in the ass so hard that he goes flying forward into the woods behind the bar. So what does he do, he takes the upper road and does nothing um NOT...he turns around and boots her right back, she decides that she is going to now key his car with her work keys because the keys are bigger than normal. He rips the keys out of her hands and whips them into the woods. Great, smart are you fucking kidding me...so mean while I am screaming at both of them telling them to cut the shit...I send her in the bar and tell him to find the keys. Apparently I am a mother figure because they listening and for the next 20 minutes I am outside looking for key in the woods with this fucking sicko cursing under his breath how he can't stand her...FML Now it's getting dark and no keys...she is freaking out again and he is just being a dick...so I kicked them both out, no keys and guess what no FRIGGIN TIP...Really?
I could go in to how later in the night a customer comes in and says is it normal to dump a dead cat across the street in front of the vet hospital and cover it's head with a blue towel...and I am thinking to myself I really don't know maybe it is? Maybe it is and I am the one who isn't normal...so I call the cops and at 10:00 and guess what at 1:15 the cat was still there..apparently dead house pets do not take precedence in Salem...anyway I am hoping for a better day today but it is a full moon Friday and that is just not GOOD in the bar business....

Happy Memorial Day Peeps...PEACE OUT....

2 comments:

Paul said...

You have a good book in your future. Keep writing and the editors will come :). Funny stuff.

Kath said...

I agree Michelle - you are hysterical! and I am so glad you are one of my favorite - if not my actual favorite bartender!