Where's My God Damn Money!!!

So I got up this morning and went through the normal routine of getting the kids up dressed and off to school. It is always an event....not the sweet loving atmosphere you would hope for, but the for christsake why does it take a ten year old 20 minutes to take a shower and no you can't wear you flip fops to school it's 40 degrees outside. What do you want for lunch...I don't know surprise me. Ugh really just tell me what the hell you want to eat for the love of god. And please when I check on you in the shower and ask if you washed you hair don't lie and tell me that you did when I can clearly see your hair is not even remotely wet. I also very much enjoy asking my son if he brushed his teeth. His response is yes mom I brushed my teeth and it annoys me to no end to have ask hey did you put toothpaste on the toothbrush? As he gets pissed off at me and turns around to walk back upstairs yelling well you didn't tell me to use toothpaste...OMFG really? Anyway after and hour of torturing myself and my family I finally get everyone out of the house and off to school. I drag my lazy ass off to the gym where I do my stupid workout that after a weekend of eating whatever I want and drinking enough beer for a small elephant to stay hydrated I think.... is this really worth it. But alas I push through it. As I am comtemplating what to do next go home and clean the house or take a nap before work I realize that Jesus Christ I really don't want to have to work anymore. I mean I love my job, but I really think that I am supposed to be rich. Somewhere along the lines I fucked up and missed my opportunity at the big pay off. Because as far as I can tell.... is this really the whole thing? I mean how come some people get to have more money than God and others have nothing. Now I am living very comfortably don't get me wrong but for crying out loud...in the words of Cuba Gooding Jr 'SHOW ME THE EFFING MONEY" I am not just talking about a few extra bucks weekly, I want to be so flithy god damn rich that my net worth is higher than Oprahs. Now don't give me the stupid speech oh work really hard and you will get rewarded because that's bullshit. I have worked hard my whole life and guess what the trips to Hawaii are few and far between...actually they are nonexistant. How come Oprah gets to have millions...I mean c'mon she is a talk show host, who got lucky...and by the way while we are talking Opie... where the hell is my car? You give out all of these effing cars to people and I watched your show for 20 years I never got invited to your Favorite things show. Screw you lady!! Now I know I sound a little bit bitter but hey this is my blog and I could care less. Let's not forget about the next generation of people who are millionaires....the ones who belong to the lucky sperm club. You know the Paris Hilton's who never had to lift a finger to actually work but will live off of what their parents did for generations to come. Oh and who won't appreciate anything because they feel that they are entitled to it. We are such a lucky nation to have these kids coming of age. And Americans' wonder why they are not loved by all of the other countries um have you met the Jackson kids, millionaires fucked up for life. Like many Americans I play the lottery and I often sit and wonder if I hit the big jackpot what would I do with all of that money. Well I can tell you what I wouldn't do, I def wouldn't be working anymore. I mean how stupid are those people who finally strike it rich and they keep their jobs, are you joking? Why would you feel the need to continue to work clearly you didn't deserve my money so i will just take it off of your hands Jackass. I mean you are potato farmer for Christ sakes who drove your tractor to the local store and bought a lottery ticket, you are an idiot, yet now you have more money than the ruler of the free world. I feel very safe knowing that you will be returning to work in the morning and not spending a dime of it because "gosh what would I do with all of that money?" Here's a fucking thought don't buy a god damn ticket if you aren't going to spend any of it, cause guess what some of us would actually enjoy living life to the fullest with all of that money. And I hate those people who say "well I am so happy that the money didn't change them" are you flipping kidding me? It didn't change them because they were idiots to begin with and now they are rich idiots. Give me the god damn cash I will let it change me...that's why I play the lottery....so I can win and do things that I could only dream about doing someday...not so I can continue to pick potatoes in rural Idaho. Here's a thought get your teeth fixed freak. Did you ever notice that everyone who wins the lottery has effed up teeth? And they look like they just got punched in the face or rolled out of bed. I mean buy a brush that's what you can do with your money. Help out the people in your town get educated beyond the 3rd grade. Or how about those people who get rich by inventing shit....like the jibitz lady. A mom from no where usa takes a cuff link and hot glues something cute to the top of it and sticks to her kids croc. Well it just so happens that Ray Croc himself notices this kid on a playground and asks about the jibitz. He contacts the stay at home mom and guess what. Ray Croc buys her idea for millions of dollars....and miss stay at home Mom is now a multimillionaire. That my friends would never happen to me. Or the kid who invented the bacon drip pan because his mom ran out of paper towels when he wanted bacon to eat. This as seen on tv product is now sold in Walmarts across the country next to the microwave section. i believe this kid was 11 years old and is now a multimillionaire. My kids had better start earning their keep or they are out!!! I mean god I would help out people if I was rich. I have my list of family and friends that would be set for life if I ever hit the big one. And i would donate to charities, just give me a shot.... $$$$$$ ....Peace Out...

The Gym.....UGH!!!

So I have tried numerous times to enjoy going to the gym....let's just say there are more reasons to hate it than there are to enjoy it. I have started once again on the journey to trying to be healthy and fit...it makes me laugh just to say it out loud. Constantly trying to watch what I eat sucks....I mean let's face it Salad...boring!!! So I guess if i want to eat my plate of chips and salsa every night at work and still fit into my size 6 jeans I will have to omg shoot me in the face...work out!!!

So you get to the gym and put your stuff in the little locker and try to act like hey I come here all the time what the hell are you looking at...then you go to the counter and sign in and the chick behind the desk says wow where have you been, we haven't seen you in a while....as she says it 37 people walk by and look at you like omg what a looser....and you instantly want to knock that receptionist right the fuck out...But you smile and nod and say yes I am trying to start getting back into it again, all the while you are thinking maybe you should get your fat ass out of that chair and go do a few rounds with the eliptictal sista cuz you are looking like you had one to many whoopie pies over the summer...

So after that you head upstairs to the machines!!! I always try to find a treadmill or punch me in the face an eliptical that isn't near anyone...because guess what I don't want any of you crazy muscle head or toned to the bone jerks near me when I am barely able to breath and sweating profusely just trying to get through a 40 minute workout, watching me out of the corner of your eye...with disdain of course. But that is never really what happens anyway, I get stuck next to the dude who can not control his breathing and has sweat flinging off of his body in every direction...that is my life. So while I walk at a swift pace, because running is just not an option, I am also dodging the flying bodily fluids coming off the guy next to me...and o yeah still trying look like I go to the gym all of the time...

As my 40 minute workout comes to an end...and my body can barely control itself because at this point, I am shaking and just a mess...I head out into the sea of weights!!! Which thanks to my friend, I was taught the art of planks!!! There is a reason the I call her my personal nightmare...So I get into position and decide to do a few planks, because hey I come to the gym all of the time and i got this....I am counting in my head and my body looks like I am going into epileptic shock. The scene is not pretty, and I decide fuck this...and I am going to WORKOUT MY CORE!!!

So I head to a remote part of the gym where Jillian Michaels is hanging out and hey just doing a few squats here...Really cuz her legs and abs probably couldn't be more ripped at this point and I would say that her workout is complete...o and did I mention that her ass is so tight that it makes me puke in my mouth a little bit...needless to say I am feeling a little bit intimidated but I can do this...screw Jillian

So I grab my pathetic 5 pound weights and my little mat and of yes the ball....I proceed to do my arm excercises and my sit ups...I mean let's face how does one really balance gracefully on one of those balls and o yeah do sit ups...the whole time that I am doing them i am thinking in my head please god up in heaven do not let me fall off in front of Jillian Michaels...that would be just redonkuculous....but I push through. I have worked out and somewhere the gods are singing....

and I think to myself just for a second mind you, hey maybe I could take a class and then I realize that I have absolutely no coordination and I would end up on you tube getting a million hits as the chick who kicked boxed the entire class right the fuck out....or the girl who fell off the spin cycle and got head trama....um prob not for me...

I head my sweaty nasty self down into the locker room, which by the way i do not care how fit you are, I don't want to see you naked. Please put your towel on and get dressed in a room that has a curtain or a door or something to block out the sight of your lilly white ass from my view. I am only here to change and leave.

As I head back to the front door, feeling a little bit accomplished, I hear the receptionist shout out at me Hey Michelle I hope to see you again soon, let's not make it so long next time in between work outs. Really her days at that desk are numbered and she had better watch her back on the street. But I put my head down and run to my car, and think to myself YES I CAN NOT WAIT TO GO BACK TOMORROW....WTF!!!

and that's my take on the gym...peace out!!!