So I have tried numerous times to enjoy going to the gym....let's just say there are more reasons to hate it than there are to enjoy it. I have started once again on the journey to trying to be healthy and fit...it makes me laugh just to say it out loud. Constantly trying to watch what I eat sucks....I mean let's face it Salad...boring!!! So I guess if i want to eat my plate of chips and salsa every night at work and still fit into my size 6 jeans I will have to omg shoot me in the face...work out!!!
So you get to the gym and put your stuff in the little locker and try to act like hey I come here all the time what the hell are you looking at...then you go to the counter and sign in and the chick behind the desk says wow where have you been, we haven't seen you in a while....as she says it 37 people walk by and look at you like omg what a looser....and you instantly want to knock that receptionist right the fuck out...But you smile and nod and say yes I am trying to start getting back into it again, all the while you are thinking maybe you should get your fat ass out of that chair and go do a few rounds with the eliptictal sista cuz you are looking like you had one to many whoopie pies over the summer...
So after that you head upstairs to the machines!!! I always try to find a treadmill or punch me in the face an eliptical that isn't near anyone...because guess what I don't want any of you crazy muscle head or toned to the bone jerks near me when I am barely able to breath and sweating profusely just trying to get through a 40 minute workout, watching me out of the corner of your eye...with disdain of course. But that is never really what happens anyway, I get stuck next to the dude who can not control his breathing and has sweat flinging off of his body in every direction...that is my life. So while I walk at a swift pace, because running is just not an option, I am also dodging the flying bodily fluids coming off the guy next to me...and o yeah still trying look like I go to the gym all of the time...
As my 40 minute workout comes to an end...and my body can barely control itself because at this point, I am shaking and just a mess...I head out into the sea of weights!!! Which thanks to my friend, I was taught the art of planks!!! There is a reason the I call her my personal nightmare...So I get into position and decide to do a few planks, because hey I come to the gym all of the time and i got this....I am counting in my head and my body looks like I am going into epileptic shock. The scene is not pretty, and I decide fuck this...and I am going to WORKOUT MY CORE!!!
So I head to a remote part of the gym where Jillian Michaels is hanging out and hey just doing a few squats here...Really cuz her legs and abs probably couldn't be more ripped at this point and I would say that her workout is complete...o and did I mention that her ass is so tight that it makes me puke in my mouth a little bit...needless to say I am feeling a little bit intimidated but I can do this...screw Jillian
So I grab my pathetic 5 pound weights and my little mat and of yes the ball....I proceed to do my arm excercises and my sit ups...I mean let's face how does one really balance gracefully on one of those balls and o yeah do sit ups...the whole time that I am doing them i am thinking in my head please god up in heaven do not let me fall off in front of Jillian Michaels...that would be just redonkuculous....but I push through. I have worked out and somewhere the gods are singing....
and I think to myself just for a second mind you, hey maybe I could take a class and then I realize that I have absolutely no coordination and I would end up on you tube getting a million hits as the chick who kicked boxed the entire class right the fuck out....or the girl who fell off the spin cycle and got head trama....um prob not for me...
I head my sweaty nasty self down into the locker room, which by the way i do not care how fit you are, I don't want to see you naked. Please put your towel on and get dressed in a room that has a curtain or a door or something to block out the sight of your lilly white ass from my view. I am only here to change and leave.
As I head back to the front door, feeling a little bit accomplished, I hear the receptionist shout out at me Hey Michelle I hope to see you again soon, let's not make it so long next time in between work outs. Really her days at that desk are numbered and she had better watch her back on the street. But I put my head down and run to my car, and think to myself YES I CAN NOT WAIT TO GO BACK TOMORROW....WTF!!!
and that's my take on the gym...peace out!!!
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