I got my toes in the water....ass in the sand...not a worry in the world...a cold beer in my hand...life is good today...life is good today...

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


A friend posted a bumper sticker on facebook... It said "I sometimes wish that I could grab people and shake them and say WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!!" I am pretty sure that I live most of my days with this saying in my head. It amazes how friggin stupid people can be, that's not to say that I am the smartest person in the world, but a little friggin common sense please. Here is a perfect example, I drive a big ass flipping truck, yet for some reason people still choose to cut me off. Really why would you pull out in front of me with your Volkswagon bug and then proceed to slow down to 5 miles per hour? I don't get it, I sometimes wish that I could simply smash my truck into the back of their car and yell out the window "hey jackass, that's what you get for being an idiot"
I also fully enjoy the moron that comes into the bar where I work and asks me on a Tuesday night, "hey do you guys sell chicken wings?" When I tell them no we don't have anymore tonight, and they look at me like "omg I can't believe that you ran out"....really are you an asshole, it's Tuesday night at Sidelines, of course we have chicken wings, unless you live under a flipping rock in Salem everyone knows that.
It's also most enjoyable when you get a phone call from a telemarketer and they pronounce your name wrong. Are you effing serious? First of all, my name is only 5 letters, how can you not sound it out. Second of all if you are going to interrrupt my day to sell me a years subscription to friggin "Better Homes & Gardens" then you had better take the time to figure out how to say my god damn last name before you call me. Not to mention who the hell wants to read that stupid magazines anyway. Yes please send me your magazine about all of the houses that I could live in. You know all of those really big, amazing kitchens that I will never cook in, yes I love to look at them.
I also enjoy the people that speak to you about things that are so irrevelent, sometimes I want to just look at them and say excuse me will you please shut the fuck up. I mean just stop talking because I am having a hard time listening to you. I had a girlfriend that I tended bar with a few years ago, hysterical person. Everytime we worked together we just laughed. Anyway I remember one night working with her and this absolute idiot is sitting there and just chewing her ear off. I remember looking at her saying to myself I can't believe that she is actually paying attention to this story, because I was bored after the first sentence. So when the guy stops talking, he asks her what do you think? She looks at him with the a very serious face and she yells "CUT, could we please try that again because I wasn't fucking listening" I think that if I had a sip of water in my mouth, I would have spit it all over the bar. The guy looked at her, laughed a little bit and ordered another drink.
Or the person that talks to you while you are clearly reading a book. Let me let you in on a little secret ok....if I am reading a book chances are that I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING TALK TO YOU!!!" The more that you ask me questions the more that I want to yell please "SHUT THE FUCK UP" Same goes for when I am watching tv, which is a very rare occurance, if I tell you I can't wait to watch this show, why the fuck would you start a conversation with me in the middle of it? I can't hear it then, all I can hear is blah blah blah...please BE QUIET!!!
Or you go to the groicery store and you clearly put up your cloth recylceble bags and the dumbass at the register takes the bags and hands them to the bagger who proceeds to ask you paper or plastic....ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME? Nothing...Nothing at all.. just throw all the figgin groceries back into the cart and I will do it myself because clearly you are an idiot. I don't like you either!!
So like the quote goes if you are near me and IO suddenly grab you and begin to shake you...it's because you are an idiot! I am not the smartest person in the world, and clearly I do appreciate sacasism. So if you are going approach me with a question that you may think is dumb, please don't bother to open yourself up to the answer that you may get. Chances are I am going to snap back with some comment that you if you don't get will just make you look like an idiot and if you do get it will piss you off. So I apologize in advance, but I just can't help myself. Consider yourself for warned!!!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

I don't really know where I am going with this blog, but I feel the need to write one because it has been a while. So my month of December started out insanely crazy. My daughters cheering team won the right to cheer at Nationals in Disney. How exciting!!! The girls did awesome, but I gotta tell you, Disney has a god damn racket going. Nationals yup, fly to Florida three weeks before Christmas and spend your life's savings on airfare, car rental, hotel, o and don't forget the Mickey Ears. Park passes and all of the crap that goes along with it. Then you get into the park and guess what you need to buy an ass load useless shit that you will never use except the next time that you visit Disney World. So these "Mouse gestapos" get you to a theme park in the middle of the "I'm going to kill myself trying to shop for Christmas season" for a proud moment of watching your daughter run through those giant Mickey ears and then they tell you that will be $652.00 for the video and the pictures being that you are so caught up in the moment, you say "omg I def have to buy all of that"
Any person male or female who dares to argue the point with me that cheering is not a sport, is clearly an idiot!!! These little girls do shit that I can not believe is possible at my age let alone their age. They flip and tumble and dance and lift chicks over their heads that are in some cases equal in body weight to themselves all while smiling and talking at the same time. They can hold a girl up over their heads and walk around with her in the air. My daughter has come home with stories of practices where she has been stepped on in the face, kicked, knocked over, and had her head stepped on all to keep her flyer from falling and hitting the mat. They practice three to four times a week and guess what you could not keep up with their work out. I know that I couldn't....These little girls rock the shit out on that mat and they dance and cheer the hell out of it. Anyone dare say to me that it isn't a sport and I will personally kick your ass. They build shit out of their bodies and throw girls that are the same weight as them over their heads, and o yeah and they catch them. Big deal you can shoot a basket threw a hoop, can you balance in the hands of two girls on one leg and lift your other leg over your head and hold it with your hand. I think not!!!!
Cheering is definitely a spector sport as well. Everyone in the stands dresses in their team colors and screams at the top of their lungs when their girl comes out on the mat. As you sit watching them you tend to forget that they are only 10 years old. O and their are some nasty rivalarys let me tell you. The coaches all play nicey-nicey...but the parents watchout!!! God forbid a rival team sits next our Moms in the stands. It becomes a competition as to who will cheer louder for their girls. And for chrsitsake, if by some awful twist of fate your team has a bad day on the mate and your rival is sitting next to you in the stands....let me say that if we weren't all civilized Moms, fists would be flying...yup cheering is some nasty shit. If you think going to a Bruins, Celtics, Pats, Sox game is nuts, than let me just tell you are sadly mistaken.
Cheering is a whole new world. I learned this three years ago at my first competition when I heard the Moms from other teams talking about how excited they were that such and such dropped a stunt. By dropping a stunt, I mean that a 10 year old girl fell from the shoulders or hands of her team mates and hit the mat below her. Yup I couldn't believe it either until three years later, there I was sitting in the stands saying to myself, Jesus Christ, I hope that they drop a damn stunt. That's when I realized shit, I am a Cheer Mom, no mercy for the weak man. I sit in those stands with my Blue and White proudly, staring down anyone who dares to look at me crossed eyed.
I will say this, I got to experience Disney with a bunch of crazy-fun and just plain awesome people. These women and you know who you are...are all friggin insane. It becomes somewhat of a cult, I must say. When the season ends everyone has withdrawls because it is so intense throughout the year. Now with that said, I will say it is intense for the Moms in a sick toddlers and tiaras kind of way. Because the girls, they are just having fun at their sport with their BFF's, heads tilted, hands in the shape of a heart.
And don't think that the Dads don't get into it as well. I have seen grown men running around arenas with painted faces and poms poms cheering for their girls. I saw one guy in a full nylon body suit with his head and face covered dancing in the stands. I guess if yo have only girls and they are cheerleaders, you have to work with it. These guys also wear all of the bling as well, baseball hats decked out in rhinestones that say cheer on the front. Nothing is to cool for them.
When the competition is over that is when the real tension occurs....every team that has competed is paraded out onto the mat. The girls all dance like crazy people to their favorite songs while the judges deliberate. The whole thing is just mind boggling...then the announce the winners and if you don't hear your team called, you know that is it going to be a long ass ride home from wherever you are. Because girls are emotional and they don't hold back. Especially cheerleaders...full on drama. Granted it sucks not to win, but hell it's damn amazing to be there in the first place.