I got my toes in the water....ass in the sand...not a worry in the world...a cold beer in my hand...life is good today...life is good today...

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


A friend posted a bumper sticker on facebook... It said "I sometimes wish that I could grab people and shake them and say WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!!" I am pretty sure that I live most of my days with this saying in my head. It amazes how friggin stupid people can be, that's not to say that I am the smartest person in the world, but a little friggin common sense please. Here is a perfect example, I drive a big ass flipping truck, yet for some reason people still choose to cut me off. Really why would you pull out in front of me with your Volkswagon bug and then proceed to slow down to 5 miles per hour? I don't get it, I sometimes wish that I could simply smash my truck into the back of their car and yell out the window "hey jackass, that's what you get for being an idiot"
I also fully enjoy the moron that comes into the bar where I work and asks me on a Tuesday night, "hey do you guys sell chicken wings?" When I tell them no we don't have anymore tonight, and they look at me like "omg I can't believe that you ran out"....really are you an asshole, it's Tuesday night at Sidelines, of course we have chicken wings, unless you live under a flipping rock in Salem everyone knows that.
It's also most enjoyable when you get a phone call from a telemarketer and they pronounce your name wrong. Are you effing serious? First of all, my name is only 5 letters, how can you not sound it out. Second of all if you are going to interrrupt my day to sell me a years subscription to friggin "Better Homes & Gardens" then you had better take the time to figure out how to say my god damn last name before you call me. Not to mention who the hell wants to read that stupid magazines anyway. Yes please send me your magazine about all of the houses that I could live in. You know all of those really big, amazing kitchens that I will never cook in, yes I love to look at them.
I also enjoy the people that speak to you about things that are so irrevelent, sometimes I want to just look at them and say excuse me will you please shut the fuck up. I mean just stop talking because I am having a hard time listening to you. I had a girlfriend that I tended bar with a few years ago, hysterical person. Everytime we worked together we just laughed. Anyway I remember one night working with her and this absolute idiot is sitting there and just chewing her ear off. I remember looking at her saying to myself I can't believe that she is actually paying attention to this story, because I was bored after the first sentence. So when the guy stops talking, he asks her what do you think? She looks at him with the a very serious face and she yells "CUT, could we please try that again because I wasn't fucking listening" I think that if I had a sip of water in my mouth, I would have spit it all over the bar. The guy looked at her, laughed a little bit and ordered another drink.
Or the person that talks to you while you are clearly reading a book. Let me let you in on a little secret ok....if I am reading a book chances are that I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING TALK TO YOU!!!" The more that you ask me questions the more that I want to yell please "SHUT THE FUCK UP" Same goes for when I am watching tv, which is a very rare occurance, if I tell you I can't wait to watch this show, why the fuck would you start a conversation with me in the middle of it? I can't hear it then, all I can hear is blah blah blah...please BE QUIET!!!
Or you go to the groicery store and you clearly put up your cloth recylceble bags and the dumbass at the register takes the bags and hands them to the bagger who proceeds to ask you paper or plastic....ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME? Nothing...Nothing at all.. just throw all the figgin groceries back into the cart and I will do it myself because clearly you are an idiot. I don't like you either!!
So like the quote goes if you are near me and IO suddenly grab you and begin to shake you...it's because you are an idiot! I am not the smartest person in the world, and clearly I do appreciate sacasism. So if you are going approach me with a question that you may think is dumb, please don't bother to open yourself up to the answer that you may get. Chances are I am going to snap back with some comment that you if you don't get will just make you look like an idiot and if you do get it will piss you off. So I apologize in advance, but I just can't help myself. Consider yourself for warned!!!

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